I know exactly what you mean. When I first had fibro it laid me flat on my back; up till then I'd been working full time and raising 2 children alone, busy, busy, busy. All of a sudden I couldn't do anything and I thought I would go mad. As I lay there, for months and months, I began to be aware of doing some "catching up" emotionally with a lot of things that had happened in a way that I never could while I was so busy.

I think, when your body lets you down, you have to live your life more in your mind and I had to make my mind a better place in which to live.

You mention feeling that you have lost parts of yourself. You have, sweetheart. And that takes a lot of coming to terms with. For a long time, I felt that my personality had changed completely and I mourned for the person I used to be. Who's personality wouldn't change if they were faced with constant pain, sleeplessness, uncomfortable symptoms etc. to say nothing of being misunderstood and isolated by family, friends and the medical profession? Its like trying to live a normal life with a raging toothache! You can't. Everything is affected, especially your relationships.

What happens is that life changes and you get a life, not based upon the old, but based upon the new. More understanding friends, more time alone because you can't cope with too much going on ... You may find yourself, as I did, taking up hobbies and discovering the joy of creativity.

I was newly diagnosed when I took up gardening. I couldn't really walk but I crawled into my garden and spent 20 minutes a day on it, sitting on my bottom. In a few months I had landscaped the entire garden and discovered what has been a life-long love. I've grown my own veg for the last 15 years and I've found a way to do it that isn't too strenuous for me.

I took up again hobbies that I'd left behind once my kids were born; things like knitting, crochet, watercolour painting, embroidery, creative writing and poetry and have found in these things a great distraction from pain and also a feeling of achievement. It was this feeling of achievement I missed so much when I could no longer go out to work - its SO important to feel you have achieved something.

I volunteered to do a little gardening for a local Buddhist centre and there met some beautiful people with a lot to teach me about myself.

My heart went out to you as I read your post because I know that feeling so well, the feeling that you have lost yourself, can't define yourself any more ... but it will pass. Save the fight for your illness. You don't need to fight to redefine yourself, it will happen, I promise.

Life is a constant process of reinventing ourselves, according to what happens to us, but we can do it. For inside us is that remarkable thing called the human spirit.

I think for most of us, we identify ourselves by what we do (work wise) who we're married to, and who's Mom we are. I know for me it was EXTREMELY difficult to make the transition from full time work coupled with full time college, after my children were grown. When I lost that, I felt useless. I wasn't a wife, or a "Mom" or an employee nor a student!! It's taken me years to redefine myself. I was 45 when the FM set in, I'm now 60 and about to face it again as I prepare for retirement with my boyfriend of 28 years! We're partners in everything, just not married. When he told me he was retiring last week I felt panic begin to rise and have been chewing on it for over a week. It's very unsettling. What do I do with the rest of my life?? What can I still do that's on my list of things I want to do??

I think about every 7 years, people generally go through a 'grown spurt' emotionally, intellectually, physically, and some spiritually. At my age, I feel like I get one more chance and that'll be it ~a lot of pressure in decision making!

When I get stuck, what I usually do is make a random list of all the things I dreamed of doing since childhood and "X" off the ones I know I'll never do (ie. be a ballerina, a super model, a great pianist, etc) From that list, I can deduce that I need to do something expressive and artistic. I can take a class or two at the college to learn a new skill ~ we all can! So question yourself on 'where does my heart lie' combined with experience and knowledge gained so far and see what you come up with!
Hope this has been helpful! Gentle hugs and brightest blessings, always!

To b honest I think we all struggle wi this one at diff times honey hope it gets easier for u xx

Brave Girls Club. They have a university as well. They are also online and have a ranch. I highly recommend checking them out!

@A MyFibroTeam Member I am in pretty much the same boat as you. I had my first child at 16, and got married at 20. I always thought the benefit of having children young was that by my 40s I would be free to do what I wanted and have the money to do it. My husband and I thought we would be having fun and maybe doing some travelling at this point in our lives now that the kids are grown. I am 42 and can no longer work since last year. I don't know that I can guarantee an employer that I will be able to show up every day! Now our income is is so reduced there is no extra money for travel even if I felt up to it (I don't). I feel so cheated!!! One thing I am grateful for is that by the time I got really sad sick the kids were older so when they were little I had endless energy for them. I can't imagine having little ones right now!

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